J'ai mange le pain.

This happened last week.................

I was in the South of France having a weekend off from feeling like the fattest flyer in circus, sometimes you've just got to give yourself a break. My Saturday and Sunday was a guilt free wheat/gluten/sugar binge. My poor body. The week leading up to the weekend was a testing time of having little control over my diet and being surrounded by carbs and sugar.

I never miss carb heavy foods, I don't crave for bread, pasta or pizza, biscuits are a thing of the past, and potatoes are actually pretty tasteless to me now, but, when I was suddenly surrounded by wheat and gluten based EVERYTHING, with the one supermarket in town closed and a whole day of training done, I gave in and ate the bread like everyone else, I'd only been in France 6 hours.

Four things happened - 

1.My mouth had a party, French bread is amazing and the salted butter I piled on it even more so. 

2. My stomach cramped up pretty instantly, like somehow I'd forgotten to chew and the crispy bits were crisping and stabbing all up in my insdies.

3. All I wanted to do from the first bite was eat bread and butter continuously for the rest of my life! 

4. Ten minutes after the bread binge was over my head was heavy and spinny and I just wanted to curl up and sleep. 

it was the start of a downward spiral into a week of carbs, sugar, headaches and being starving the minute my eyes opened every morning.
  
During the week I resisted eating bread as much as I could, I stuck to veg, tuna, eggs and meat, but somehow my brain was fixated on the baguettes that sat in the centre of the table being torn up by everyone around me. Giving up and having 'one piece' was a nightly school girl error on my part, one piece ended up being the size of half a baguette and a large helping of guilt laden stomach ache, usually followed by a half hour sofa snooze.

By the weekend, when training had finished and I was visiting a friend in Montpellier, I'd given up the fight (which clearly I'd already lost) and decided for one weekend only I could eat whatever I wanted, which was pretty much every bad thing in sight, guilt free.

I saw these things on the market, but somehow, didn't get the same urge to try them..........



this guy, or a cake?? let me think..............

French cakes, pastries, baguettes, biscuits, hot chocolate, oh yeah, I even capped the whole deal with smoking marijuana at a dinner party, actually that came before the biscuits. Quelle surprise. You can rid yourself of guilt, but the head spinning insomnia was unstoppable, oh merde, never again!


Food wise I'm so glad to be home, back in a world where bread doesn't exist to me and I can cook my own delicious veg with coconut oil, avocado and good meat, coupled with a steady energy level and a willingness to partake in life after a meal!

I'm actually pretty worried about what will happen to my health if I move to France next year. I'll possibly have to throw in the towel and train to be a catcher!



 

The Faileo Diet.

Trying to get back on the wagon is not easy when the wagon has rolled over so many hills without you, you can't even hear the horses anymore. 

Starting with something healthy that tastes amazing is a good plan. Easy choice.

I wish these raw chocolate butter bars hadn't been invented, there's a risk they will become my staple food source. They're all raw cocoa nibs and coconut butter, I think you're supposed to take a bite then stick it back in the fridge. I ate two in one go then felt sick. If someone had passed me a third, it would have gone down the hatch in a second.

When I stopped feeling sick I realised I needed something slightly more meal like.

Chicken, red onion, avocado, cashew, broccoli, tomato. 

from Faileo back to Paleo, one meal at a time.

20 gulps of grey............

How does a smoothie turn out this colour??

I drank it anyway, and felt a bit like I was in a science fiction movie. 

Banana, papaya, lychee, blackberry, mango, acai powder, spirulina, and goji's on top.

I also tried to be vegan again for a few days to see what would happen. This happened. 
 

Turns out that adding a side of bacon makes being a vegan much easier! nom nom.

Eat, fast, go to taco bell, live longer?

I have some sad and worrying news, a documentary came out on the bbc and according to this Italian scientist guy who hangs out with mice, I'm going to get cancer because I eat too much protein, and too much food in general. Basically, I have sky high levels of IGF1 because I eat like a starved bear at a free picnic.

This kinda sucks, because although I can be quite attractive when I've cleaned up a bit, I'm no where near hot enough to pull off being pale and bald with a fashionably tied headscarf. I have to change my ways, quick.

If I was going to follow the advise of this documentary I would half, or less than half my protein intake, I would have child size meal portions, and eat more plants, and take up alternate fasting every other day, and on the days I wasn't fasting I could eat as much junk food, bread and sugar as I want and it's fine because the day before I only ate a grape and half a taco. Riiiiiight.

BBC - Eat, fast, and live longer.

and here's a link to the 4 parts on youtube, because I don't think the beeb works outside the uk.

Part1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

If you can't, or can't be arsed to watch this I'll explain a little about the important parts of the theory.

Insulin like growth factor one - If you have low levels of this you won't get cancer or heart disease, because instead of your cells making new cells, your old cells start repairing. Awesome, sounds like Claire from heroes. To have this low level naturally though, you have to be a dwarf from a remote village in Ecuador, or, actually be Claire from heroes. Oh. must be nice. 

Generally not eating a lot of food every day means your cells will be more inclined to repair than divide and reproduce, this means low risk of disease because you will have low IGF1. They met up with a skinny guy who calorie restricts on fruit and veg and he was in tip top shape and had super fast reactions, compared to the guy who was normal looking and had shit reactions, fatty insides and high IGF1, so, there must be something in this, I sat up and paid attention to the science.

Starving yourself on 50 calories per day for 86 hours makes these levels go down by half, you will also enjoy tripping balls on hunger and having vivid dreams about sandwiches. The Lower IGF1 only lasts a few weeks so you have to do a four day fast once per month. Four consecutive days per month without food? Fuck. that.

Option 2 - the fast, feed, fast approach. Fast day is 400/500 calories around lunch time. That's it. Sounds miserable.

Feed day. Eat whatever the fuck you like. Order supersize at burger king if you fancy, you'll be fine, because you won't be eating tomorrow either, remember, it's portion sizes and alternate starvation that counts kids, not nutrients, it's a way to extend your life by 20 years or something. 20 more years of being hungry every other day. Joy.

Go Go Mode - If you eat lots of protein your cells are dividing too fast to repair any damage to old cells, and of course, they didn't say how much was too much, they said follow recommended guidelines, and possibly eat less than that. - No mention of who was doing the recommending, no mention of what exactly 'normal' protein intake was. sigh. Anyway, high protein levels mean your cells are always on go go mode, which means they are always dividing and making new, never repairing old. This is how cancer happens. Well, it sounds plausible. I do eat a shed load of protein.

I have to make a choice - No more steak breakfasts, or dust off the trucker cap from 2009 and prepare myself for chemo.

Maybe I was a little too hard on this docco, because it's asking me to eat less food, and that totally touches my nerves. I mean, they did look at science, and play with a fat mouse and a small mouse, and talk to skinny people and little people who never got sick, and a 101 year old marathon runner who eats like a sparrow, and I think they did raise some valid points.  It kind of gives me one more incentive to just try and eat a little less than I do.

I'm now sulking because I've just eaten my second breakfast of the day, because my calorie restricted half size omelet one hour ago just did not cut it.

Paleo Banana Pancakes!!

totally worth dying young for.  

Cavedence. The before and After

My Paleo friend from NYC kindly sent me some pictures from our second epic meat eating meal out.


Here I am, pretty excited to commence eating 2 lb of BBQ beef and pork.

Here I am after eating 1 lb 15 ounces of BBQ beef and pork, trying to swallow the last bit and refusing to admit defeat.

I can't handle seeing good meat go to waste.

P.S, who wants to even bother eating a giant pickle when you've got a whole cows worth of beef brisket on your tray. Yeah, tray, not plate, that's how we roll, or rolled, out of the door, when we eventually could stand.

I <3 Fete Sau.

Avocado chips and the Matcha Olympic cookies.

Today is recovery day from the misery of constant cross fit, so I have a bit of time to hang out in the kitchen while absolutely not throwing a heavy ball up a wall ninety times in a specified number of minutes.

I've been getting way too experimental with meals these days, I'm like Heston Blumenthals rawleo equivalent. Been avoiding the temptation to start dipping sweet potato in liquid nitrogen for now, but 18 months ago I could hardly prepare myself beans on toast without setting off the smoke alarm, then ordering take out while feeling like a total cookery pleb. 

I think it's safe to say I've come on a couple of clicks and a shuffle since the great diet shake up of 2011. I really get psyched about cooking now, nearly as much as I do about eating!

Breakfast - Avocado chips and tomato beetroot dip, with the rest of the egg I used to coat the avocado before rolling it in coconut flour and frying it in coconut oil. Good fatty veggie start to the day. B T dubs, I was doing my research on alternatives to flour, a lot of Paleo people use ground almonds, which is better than normal flour for shiz, but still not great because of the omega 6. So, if you're going to use anything, coconut flour top trumps ground almond for nutrition. 

Lunch.....

Organic rib eye, beetroot/carrot/orange salad with broccoli. This steak was amazing, just threw mixed herbs on, and somehow got the timing spot on. When it comes to timing and steak frying, I've figured you just make the pan super hot before you put it in, then when the kitchen looks about 5 minutes away from a 999 call, it's done.


Then came the ginger cookies. healthy for sure, necessary? absolutely not. oink oink. Whoops.

I made these with another, more expensive alternative to flour. Matcha mix! It's basically ground goji, ground chai seeds, flax seeds, and ground Matcha tea! I stuck my hand in the bag and it felt like flour, so, of course I made cookies, worst of all ingredients being a bit of honey.

a link that tells you about Matcha tea.....

Why Matcha is awesome.......

I scoffed the lot while watching Olympic gymnastics and dreaming of the glory days, when my ass could easily fit in a sparkly tin foil leotard, and my world revolved around tight pony tails, glitter hair spray and trying not to break my vag on the beam. Good times.

Crossfit club and Spirulina power.

I have been crossfitting like a motherfucker every day for a week, I'm officially back in the realm of being fit enough to see my own toes on a glance down, but I still have around 9lb to lose before all the America fat is shifted and I'm back to my perfect flying weight of 47 kilo.

I've been eating really well, cycling 12 miles a day, and drinking shit like this.

coconut milk, strawberry, raspberry, spirulina

Why do I always feel so super healthy when I drink green stuff that tastes slightly weird?? I guess if it looks like harry potter might drink it, it's got to be good for you. shazam.


A word about Spirulina.......

Why you should ignore the weird taste and just drink it

the 50/50 update and my WOD..............

I don't feel as sparkly since I've been cooking most of my veg. My skin isn't as good, my eyes are not as bright, and I feel a little flat. 

Veg wise, apart from spinach looking things, red onions and shallots, I'm going back raw. Placebo or not I just don't feel so healthy right now, and I haven't since I went fully Paleo instead of being Rawleo. That's all I needed to find out.

Today's offering to get me back on the rawleo track........

 

 

So, it looks a bit 'splat! there's your dinner' but it tasted right nice and was a bit experimental actually, as I'm trying to shake up my little paleo rut I've found myself in.

Pan fried Tuna steak with almond and coconut flour batter, with Shallots fried in brazil nut butter (so yum). On top of loads of cucumber and tomato, with some seeds thrown on top. Great post work out protein dinner. I didn't make it too big, I have a portion size issue I'm trying to address.

Today a nice girl at the gym asked me "are you going to do the WOD with us?"

- "the what now??"

-"the WOD, written there, are you going to join us"

-"What? a what? what are you even saying?"

- "the WOD"

- "I literally have no idea what you are asking"

- points to the board - "workout of the day" 

- "aaaahh I see............ What the hell is an air squat?"

I have a lot to learn. Anyway, I didn't join with them, I did a WOD of my own.

My WOD today was around half an hour handstands, then an hour hanging from a bar trying to do stuff that was previously really easy while wincing in pain as the baby soft skin on my hands also went raw. Some fucking about on the rings, then some fucking about doing human pyramids and teaching people how to base a two high. 

Really fun day with my new cross fit buddies. I didn't do any cross fit. That's tomorrow morning!

Hanging, swinging and Paleo brownies.

Getting back on it.

Found the perfect gym for me, a 5 mile bike ride away.

I did lots of hanging, swinging, squatting and running about, with other primal type people who like doing all that, they also like lifting heavy things. I don't like lifting heavy things, maybe I'm a bit scared I'll get all big and hulky, but maybe I'll give it a go at some point. My body is proving a heavy enough thing to lift at the moment, that is soon to change.

I've been eating really well too, and cutting down a bit my portion sizes.



Red Pepper guacamole with mince beef and veg

I've been eating raw chocolate instead of dark chocolate, which contains no sugar, only things that are good for you, obv I can't be chugging down 100g a day like I want to, but 40g is alright, enough to catch my snap but not so much it's going to reverse all the good things I'm doing. Soon I want to cut down to 40g per week but that's too hard to imagine right now.

I also made these...........

Paleo Brownie cookie things!!!

they're super easy to make. I will tell you how.

1 1/2 cups sifted blanched almond flour

1/4 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 teaspoon sea salt

2 tablespoons coconut oil, melted (melted, not softened)

1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/4 cup honey or maple syrup

1 whole egg

3 tbs raw cocao powder

So all the powdery type things go in one bowl and get mixed up. The almonds/cocao powder/salt/soda

all the gloopy stuff in the other bowl mixed up well.

Then add the gloop bowl to the powder bowl and mix it all in. I also added crushed up macadamia and goji which made them extra amazing. put the mix in the fridge for 30 minutes.

Then put them on baking paper on top of a tray in little balls, bake for 5 mins at 190 - 200, take them out and squidge them flat with a spoon so they look more like cookies, then bake for another 5 - 7 mins.

Put them on a plate, Sit in the coldest room you can find holding the plate and staring at them for ten minutes while using every inch of your being not to eat them all before they cool down.

Whooopla!! Yum Yum.

I was glad there were other people around so I didn't eat the whole batch myself.

The meatball, the blood sausage and the steak.com

Today was a memorable day of Paleo eating, so I'm blogging it down before my food coma makes me forget.

Coconut milk starters, short break doing stuff, whole foods salad bar veggies and steak, short break doing stuff, a trip to The Meatball in Chelsea (nyc not london, but still quite flowery) - not really because I was hungry, more because it was called 'The Meatball' 

I read the sign and sort of fell in the door like a sun stroked zombie. What? they had air con!

After a raw choc and goji post dinner snack, another doing stuff break and a short train ride, met a new Paleo friend, who was introduced to me by a band boy friend, kinda like 

"Cadence, this is Lee, he eats Paleo........you can talk about food" 

Lee runs long distances and does dot com type clever things along with living in willy B and having a great knowledge of places to get some kick ass meat. 

He took me for the best steak I have ever eaten, before it we ate Avocado chip things, a cold meats selection that involved blood sausage which was strangely nice actually, a little gag moment happened when the word 'blood' was mentioned while I had a piece in my mouth, there were more cold meats, a well good salad with beetroot, nuts and pear, and a bowl of guacamole that we ate with our forks having turned away the chips. 

Then came a whopping steak, with two sausages on top and another kind of steak on the side that was very fatty. I tore it up. Steak heaven, only short breaks for breathing and some talking. 

Here is my problem. half way through the steak course, the guy who is totally jacked and easily twice my size declares he is full, totally done, he's out, game over.............

me -"Really?? Can I just go ahead and eat the rest then??? Awesome, how comes you're full?? When did you last eat??"

him "1pm. When did you last eat?"

me - "oh, I ate meatballs at about 6.30"

no shame.

I eat more than anyone else I know. I have to think about possibly addressing this issue.

I went to town on some 85% dark chocolate when we left the restaurant. obv, and yes, in this heat you have to eat the whole bar quick before it melts. 

I Then swung about on a scaffolding bar and did some toe hangs.


awesome day.

Kitchen Chicken...........

Lazy Sunday in the Bronx, went to the local tiny veg store, came back with a sweet potato, a carrot, a very tiny pumpkin, a bit of ginger, a half stale lemon and some curry powder. B T Dubs, all the veg came to $1.10 - score! fuck you whole foods and your overpriced salad bar. 

The pumpkin had a sticker on it that said 'Acorn' - these confused Americans, it's clearly just a very small pumpkin, I imagined a squirrel trying to carry it off. I bought it anyway.

Already had two chicken breasts, an onion and some coconut milk. Made curry, it was nice and healthy, if not slightly too gingery.

good protein, good fat, nice orange veg. Paleo win.

This curry actually contains very little of the 'acorn' as I got completely bored trying to get the skin off. It would have tasted better if I was a more patient chef.

I realise it's not the most photogenic food I've ever made. I also realise it was wrong of me to eat the entire batch as I could have got three meals out of it.

At least I didn't melt some chocolate in or throw on a side of Ben and Jerry's.

nice to be back on the health, I will work on portion sizes tomorrow.

The choice of reason......................

Fuck it I'm on holiday!

A friend gave me some sound advice - stop stressing about it, give yourself a break. 

I don't think he meant ram a slice down my shoot, 'cos he's Paleo, but, this was me giving myself a break.


Tomorrow I'll be back to normal with my happy healthy eating habits, who cares if my ass got fat, I'm in the Bronx, fat asses are all the rage here.

The Blackout..............

I'll admit, I have moved more in the last couple of days than I did in Texas, and eaten less, but I've not exactly launched myself back into full time training like I said I would. I've done a bit of cardio, but it was 37 degrees out and I was more than miserable, I did some hanging around that included leg lifts, pull ups, shoulder traction, up and overs then some press ups, V sits and all that, I've actually retained a lot of strength, I've just gained 2 inches of flab around it.

I was about to start some sort of lower body fat shifting work out when I got a call from a friend with a better, less misery inducing offer..... 

"Oh hey, how's it going? REALLY? yeah cool, no, no, not busy at all, not at all, right, I'll come now, perfect, oh how exciting" 

- Get out of jail free card, he did not have to ask me twice. Weight loss plan abandoned for the day. Shocker.

I carried on eating high protein low carb, 1g protein per lb of body weight per meal (which is a lot of meat), veggies and nothing else, stuck to it all day. I may not be training, but at least I'm not eating for weight gain.............

I ignored the slight pang of hopelessness at the workout bailout, ignored the fact my shorts feel tight when they previously struggled not to end up round my ankles. Ignored the fact that I wanted to wear my other shorts today but they just don't fit past my thighs anymore. Ignored the fact that all of the above really stresses me out when it shouldn't.

Then, 11pm, this happened...........

I only went in the deli for water, saw this new untested brand shining out like a gem, too right it was a dark chocolate blackout, I blacked out on my reality until it was nothing but an empty cardboard package.


An article about dark chocolate and why it's addictive

I have a choice to make.....

Suck it up, suck it in, appreciate and listen when people tell me I look hot and healthy with a 'few' extra pounds, and learn to love myself while wearing tight shorts, addiction issues and all, and quit the self loathing about it.

Or 

get tough, find some self control and stop this nonsense of eating like I'm a garbage truck. 

I'm undecided, I'll let you know.............am technically kind of on holiday, so, really, that should be a holiday from everything, maybe a holiday from kicking myself about weight gain. I think I really need a holiday from myself.

In the words of Russell Brand "you can't really have a holiday from it all, because, you are there, on the holiday" 

In the belly of the beast........

Sold!

Today is my last day in Austin, I've had such a relaxing week with a very awesome friend, being lazy, eating, sitting in the pool (yeah sitting, not swimming), walking doodlebug tiny dog once round the block, making strawberry coconut smoothies, going to whole foods and tearing up the salad bar, going to Rudys Texan style BBQ joint and eating my own weight in moist brisket..........

Making paleo brownies in the vitamix blender, eating them, making more, eating them, making more..................you don't need any help to see where this is going.

Basically, no training, triple the eating, the dark chocolate came creeping back in, I wasn't going to, but if I didn't eat this today I couldn't help save the animals, and I really like animals............I saved some yesterday too, and the day before. Long live the wildcats, I feel great, if not a little stuffed about helping this panther...puma? who knows, anyway, yum yum.

The downside of being at Julies house......... she has some neato electronic scales, and I have now gained an entire 16 of your American pounds. Shocking isn't it. 


Don't get me wrong, Sometimes it's really good for you to be lazy and rest after training really hard for a while, but, I think I'm kinda taking the piss now.  


So it's my last day of guilt free all out foodie heaven, I fly back to New York in the morning, shit's gonna get serious.


Here's how I will shrink back down to my former, less squidgey, more circussy self.........


No more healthy paleo brownies, however sugar free and packed with goodness they are, eating an entire batch per day kinda cancels out the word health.


Salads, lean meat, more salads more lean meat - and that's about it for meal plans.


Trapeze themed mornings and gym themed afternoons, followed by water guzzling nights out in dirty dive bars with beardy metal heads.


Trade 4000 calories per day for 1500 ish? maybe, I need to check on this one.


.....and Cadence, one more thing, how about trying some fucking cardio while you're at it!! 


ha ha we'll see about the last one.


Julie is on her way home, we're going to stuff our selves Mexican style then watch a million bats come out of the famous Austin Bat bridge, while holding our bellies that will be full of meat and guacamole! 


I love my Vacation, and Julie loves her Vacadence, I'm sad it's about to be over. 

Catchin' my snap Rawleo style...........

I can't exactly call this a recipe, I'm not the type to invent or follow any kind of instructions when it comes to making food, I just don't have the attention span, but, I really like those nut/fig/date based raw vegan bars as a snack, and I've read the ingredients on the packet enough times to get the gist of it, so I thought I'd give homemade a whirl.


We went to whole foods and I tore it up in the self serve fruit and nut section, the shop guy, who apparently checked me out so much he almost got a hernia, gave me the cocoa powder free as they didn't have any in self serve and I only needed a small bit. score! $8.99 worth of chocolate powder freeeeee, sometimes it pays to wear a short skirt! What a total whore bag, no shame.


Anyway. here goes.......

Flatten it out with grease proof paper.
 Stick it in the fridge

I just sort of guessed in handful type amounts, until it worked, and kept no track of what I was doing, it's really that easy.


Cashew, Macadamia, 5 dates, 5 figs, 1 tablespoon coconut oil, cinnamon, free unsweetened cocoa powder (I think about 3 tablespoons, maybe more), sunflower seeds, desiccated coconut, some Paleanola - ha ha paleo granola (only in the USA I bet), it's basically just nuts and seeds, oh and a big handful of hemp seeds, almost forgot. I mean, Just get your favorite nuts (no peanuts, they're legumes, not to mention they are gross), and mix them up with dates and figs and add spices as you wish. simple.


I basically just blended it all together in the Vitamix and guessed amounts until it tasted good and I could squidge it together and put it in the fridge.


It went cold, we sliced it into bars like little brownies, and ate the entire batch in one go while sitting out by the pool. Oooops.


it tasted so good, and really helped me catch my snap on my chocolate addiction, without chowing down 100g of green and blacks!


Everyone's a winner, and as I'm on holiday I'm not going to stress about the whole thing being gone already!



...........update, make with natural dried cherries instead of figs and dates, soooo good!...........yeah, we're on batch number 2. shame on us.

Calories, Health, red meat, and not training.........

I'm in Austin Texas Y'all, it's scorching and Julie has a pool and I'm totally chilling the fuck out.


I've not been training much, I mean I've hung about from a trapeze a bit and worked on my act, I've walked everywhere, but when it's 38 degrees outside I tend to walk a bit like ageing sloth. I'm drinking gallons of water, eating salads and meat as usual, minimal berry type fruit, I'm sleeping well, not eating dark chocolate, which I have to pat myself on my sun burned back for, I feel great, happy and healthy and awesome. 


I got on the scales this morning, I had suspected some slight weight gain - I've gained 14 pounds in 6 weeks. Massive lol. This is what happens when you go from training full days and eating like a builder, to not training at all, and eating like an even hungrier builder.


Now, I don't really care this time, according to everyone I know I look really healthy, according to half the men in New York city I'm the sexiest red head since Rita Heyworth, and according to me, well, I'm getting used to being out of size and I basically just want to keep eating and laughing my head off, so it's all cool.


According to being a flyer in the circus? - I don't think fat girls fly all that high to be honest. 

a fellow flyer, Flora Laco,
in a fat suit, illustrating my point.

I need to A) stop putting on weight. and B) start taking off weight. 


I have no idea how many calories I should eat when I'm not training.


Julie, my favorite Texan, told me around 1200 per day to retain weight, not to take it off. She also told me I had to stop with so much red meat and stick with chicken or turkey. I'm too fat and shocked to ignore her. 


It's 7.45pm, I'm on about 700 calories so far. 


I'M FUCKING STARVING! 


............update, I ate a healthy meal for dinner, lean mince beef, some tomato and avocado.


Followed by a whole bag of home baked gluten free Julie cookies. There as like a pound of cookies in that bag. Gluten free don't mean shit they were full of sugar.


This shit has to stop. I'm a planet. 

A little tip for weight loss...........

Don't live in New York.

On the plus side, I could easily be Paleo a go go if I lived here, I don't need a kitchen stateside, I can get meat, cooked meat, grass fed meat, veggies, raw food, raw treats, healthy things and everything I would need, easy peasy, it's brilliant.

On the downside, I can also get fried chicken, candy, fries, burgers, pizza, pasta, cheese, bagels, food, food, food, food then more food for afters 24 hours a day. oh and all the different colours of soda pop crap, everywhere! a bottle of cold water is the hardest thing to find in the fridge sometimes.

The whole place smells like food, everywhere I turn there are people eating food or standing in line to get more food, while eating. The people I usually see doing this, are not the smallest people I've ever seen.

The thing is, I get it now, the whole fat issue in the states that I think I under estimated before. Everywhere smells so good, my belly is full to bursting with grilled chicken and veg, and all I want to do is follow the next smell and eat that too, no wonder there are massive people everywhere, E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E. It's so sad, how does anyone have a chance to say no and eat less and be any smaller or healthier.

It would be like trying to give up heroin, and seeing it, readily available, on every street corner, for a couple of bucks a hit. 

when I see an average sized person I want to give them a high five and a pat on the back!

Austin next week, I'm guessing I might see a similar problem.

I'm off to get some steak.........I can smell it from here.

The harsh reality of it all.

I'm off to New York for a month, I'll have my own kitchen a massive choice of food, and I'll be shoving in as much protein and fat as I can. After that, I'll be running my body on carbs like everyone else, and the thought of it totally blows.

I've tried to think of ways to do it, I've read and I've asked and I've scratched my head while chewing the end of my pencil, but I don't really believe it to be possible.

To eat rawleo while moving around and get a healthy balance and a good variation, it's not going to happen. I'm sad. I still won't eat wheat gluten or sugar, but that's all I can do until I have the funds to employ a personal chef to travel with me. Back on paleo when I'm 60 then. Awesome.

I'm so annoyed I've been shoving in fruit and chocolate all day and acting like I don't give a shit. Sometimes I do this, when it starts to go a bit wrong, I get defiant and do exactly the opposite of what I know I should do. 400g of dark chocolate in 2 days, couldn't give a fuck how many nutrients or not nutrients I'm getting.

Little white flag waved.

Rawleo a go go..........ot oh spaghettio

My recent stint of some comfy nights in a lovely hotel, followed by some long circus days in Brussels exploring new things and being Korean Cadence, was more than slightly tainted I'm afraid. My utter dismay about the lack of my own coconut oil fueled frying pan kinda pissed on my sweet potato chips.

I really tried my best when we ate out to go high protein and fat, low carb. The following is an example of the best I could do. ot oh spaghettio. Doesn't look good does it.

I made my peace with the sugar filled sticky sauce all over the pork skewers, I scraped most of it off. I didn't eat the prawn crackers. The egg was the first thing to go down, I wanted to ask for ten more. I didn't eat the rice............until it sat in front of me for ages looking all tasty, while everyone talked and drank coffee, I got bored of looking at it and tasted a bit. Then tasted the rest. It tasted really good actually.

by the fourth night I gave up, hungry and tired, I went to town on pizza with everyone else, like my life depended on eating my own body mass in dough.  Fuck it.

Lesson learned, hungry belly is less painful than a wheat belly. I felt like I gained 5 kilo over night. I was totally lost and defeated by this point.

During the daytime, I just picked at stuffs between training. Stuffs like Dark chocolate, goji's and cocoa beans, fruit, veg, raw chocolate, macadamia and such. It's looking rather chocolate heavy isn't it, and rather carb heavy, maybe not the healthiest of training diets, but it was all I could get my paws on.

I was psyched when I found a good organic deli one lunchtime and got ham and veggies, I gulped down 300g of beenham in ten seconds. Hell - o Pro - tein!

But, I can't live on ham and veg everyday, I was totally craving for steak.  

Basically, Rawleo a go go sucks. I've hit a brick wall. My cortisol levels are freaking out just thinking about it.

What's a circus kid to do? Looks like I might get really skinny really soon, not good circus flyer skinny, more like Nicole Richie circa 2007 skinny. not. cool.

When I got home I hugged my frying pan for a while, and wanted to lay myself flat on top of the oven and tell it how much it meant to me. I went straight to the Eko plaza and resisted my urges to kiss every member of staff. I went to my favorite organic butcher and wanted to ask him to be my husband and take me away to his farm forever more (He'd have totally said yes). 

Then, to the kitchen, to make up for lost time..............

Lamb and veggies

beef and veggies

sweet tatties in coconut oil

chicken and vegges

more lamb

shit loads of beef and veggies

Obviously not all on the same day, but I could have managed it!!

Since I got back I've been pondering (and sulking) about how the hell I'm going to get the best of both my worlds, I want to be a circus superkid and travel far and wide, to do that and stay super I have to eat well, it looks impossible right now.  I've taken for granted being a circus superkid with kitchen.

Can I have my steak and eat it?? That's the question, I'm a bit scared of the answer.


A recent eureka moment happened last week, it made me feel a whole lot better in an instant. Me and a hungry circus boy went to the wok and go, I realised if I picked my meat, and veg, and asked them to hold off on the sauce, rice or noodles, you got a paleo dinner!! Bon apetito! 

When I asked for no sauce, rice or noodles the counter girls eyebrows nearly flew off the top of her head in surprise, well, I say 'eyebrows' they were actually two black felt tip lines where her eyebrows once stood, anyway, eventually they subsided and she agreed. I resisted the urge to ask the chef to use the coconut oil that lives in my bag.

Glimmer of hope for the future, however small it may be. let's hope every town has a wok and go. Let's hope someone has some good ideas about how to do this on the run.

Sengersbroek, Bonte Bentheimers, and ethical meat eating

Long time no post, bad blogger, I've been busy being a circus machine, thorry.

Don't worry though, I'm here now, and happy to have a spare half hour to finally get round to telling you about my favorite lady on the market, Her name is Teresa, she's a total joy, and she's from Sengersbroek farm! 

Some interesting books about meat!

On that cool little farm they raise Bonte Bentheimer pigs, I think they have around 60, maybe more, this type of pig is native to Holland. It's kinda rare to get them now, as more commercial and profitable pigs became available. Well, you probably know how I feel about commercial and profitable, I needn't say more, 'nuff respect, these guys are keeping it old school!

What I like about this farm, is that they're really nice to their pigs before they let you eat them, they let them roam around eating grass and having a happy time, she told me how she got sad when they have to send one up to piggy heaven. It is sad, but it's the natural order of things, and way more natural to eat a happy animal who's been having a pleasant time hanging with it's piggy friends before it's laying on your plate.

You can also go and stay at the farm, like a B and B, I'm sure you get really nice sausages for breakfast. 

The best ham on the market!!

Sengersbroek Farm website!

I've met quite a few vegetarians during my time on Paleo who comment on my vast meat consumption, and say they're vegetarian because it's more ethical to live that way. Hhhmmmm, I'm not convinced, I respect their choice and all, but, I'm not sure cutting out meat does the job when it comes to being a more ethical eater, you have to do a lot more than that. Here is why.

Article -Is eating meat ethical - Marks daily apple 

I lived in a vegetarian house quite recently for a month, I had no idea it was a vegetarian house when I moved in, apparently they'd been told I was a raw food vegan so were happy for me to live there. Whooops! get with the times, raw food vegan was so 5 months ago! 

One person actually asked me not to keep my meat in their fridge, because they didn't want to look at it, slightly awkward moment. Like somehow pretending people didn't actually eat meat made them feel better. From that point on I was very aware of the smell coming from my sizzling bacon in coconut oil and filling the whole house. I'm sure it was enough to make them want to become very unethical all of a sudden. My mouth is watering just from typing the words sizzling, and bacon.

A skinny Sunny Saturday.



Today was a total heatwave, I felt like I was in Ecuador or somewhere equally as scorching, I now have bright red shoulders and a Rudolf nose to prove it. Not the coolest look I've ever rocked.

Today was also the first day I have properly cursed the rudest of words to the god of Rawleo for making fruit so damn carb heavy! 

I bought three mango's from the market because they were cheap and ripe and massive, 1 euro for three. BONZA! I then stared at them in a haze wishing every cell in my body wasn't telling me to throw them down my shoot in one go.  

I'm trying to lean out pre show, 5 more days of being pretty strict with myself. Mango is not a lean out friendly fruit, liquid mango in a smoothie is even worse. So I summoned all my will power and came to a compromise. I would treat myself to a more sensible fruit smoothie. 

And some new summer pumps! ta daaa!

5 little liquid strawberries, half a small liquid banana, 150ml coconut milk, and this ridiculous bit of mango hanging out on the side of the glass, so I could sit on the roof with Anni koops and feel like I was in some sort of 18-30's holiday cocktail bar. It worked a treat actually. I can forgive myself the liquid fruit, as everything else I chowed down today was dead skinny.

1 massive hunk of steak, 40g Raw chocolate, 20g cashew. My pie chart so far is pretty spot on rawleo, 40, 30, 30. When I get home later I will eat 125 grams of prawns to up the protein a little but spare on the calories. 

They slept a night in coconut milk and curry powder ! yum

I also did an hour weight training at the gym in a totally fasted state before my Raw choc love choc breakfast, this is the best way to get the fat to shift. Heavy weight, low reps, hungry belly = smaller ass and thighs.

A neato way to do an extra skinny extra sunny Saturday!
I also think I got sun stroke a bit, because while I was trying to say the words sun stroke to Anni, I said skunsmoke instead. Four times. While wetting my pants with laughter.